Days in Fear

I'm 51 years old and have seen a lot in life. I've had hard times and lots of good. This past couple of weeks has had it's share of stress and worry. My mother has always taught me I have a guardian angel always watching over me. I became a Christian as a small child and can say I know I have God's watchful eye over me and a peace in my heart. But this week, I wavered a bit on my belief of God's ability to make something good out of something so wrong or bad. I received the phone call after having my mammogram. They informed me I needed to come back and have more testing done. A lump had been found. I cried the first 24 hours off and on, but the few days that followed my mind seemed to be off somewhere besides the present. I was given the awareness of what really mattered in my life and all my children were so supportive and actually prayed for my strength to get through whatever I had to face. I stopped longer to listen to people's answers when I asked "how are you?" I looked up longer to see the clouds, the newly arrival of the tree buds and songbirds. I walked with an awareness that people mattered more than things. My youngest son drove me to the clinic early Thursday morning and we chatted and listened to music of my teen years. I situated myself for the ultra sound and had one of the nicest technical person talk me through the procedure. What seemed like all day but were mere minutes, the technician returned with the news that I had nothing to worry about it was only a fluid cyst. I am to return next year for a follow up. My stress melted away on the ride home with my son. I've been given more time to enjoy life to it's fullest and I plan on keeping my head held high and enjoy the wonderful gifts that have been given to me, that being my children and my grandchildren. God, I want to just tell you thanks for allowing me not to have to face the battle and fear of cancer.

God Does Have a Sense of Humor

Can you tell what this is? If I hadn't taken the picture myself I would never believed it. This mystery picture is of the beginning stage of something God created. I looks nothing like it will in the end...it's sort of like my life. Mostly like the inside of me....somewhat unrecognizable until the finished product will be revealed in the end. This creation of God will be in it's final stages in just a few short weeks, but the end result will be completely different from what it started out as. I just pray I can say the same for myself....that I will be completely different and better than when I started out. I'll keep you posted with pictures of what this strange item will eventually become.....stay tuned....and as for me, well it may take many more years for you to see the final outcome, I just pray I am changed into a more loving and useful person for Christ.

This is the beginning of a pine cone.....imagine :)

Life is Good in Pink

With so much going on in the world, I need a place to sit back and gather my thoughts. It takes time to comprehend all that is happening in the world and in my life. When given the time, I find that place with my pink laptop and a cup of strong coffee in my pink mug. I can sit for hours writing in my journal and reading all about people and far away places. Friends come in and out of my life by social networking . I am connecting with classmates I have not seen in almost 30 years. I send encouragement to my son so far from home. I connect with my daughter and granddaughter that live on the other side of the world. My little living room becomes a crossroad of so many lives. Many tears are cried over my keyboard but also many hours of laughter and contentment as I interact with people. When life becomes crazy and seems hopeless, I find comfort with friends and family with my pink laptop and coffee in a beautiful pink mug.

My Real Live Angel

For most of my adult life I have collected angels....all kinds...figurines, candles, and jewelry....but now at my age I have my very first REAL live angel...Madison. I know it's a pixie outfit that I sent for Halloween, but when I look into those eyes and see that priceless, warm smile....I know it's an angel from heaven. Madison I'm so proud of you and am honored that you are my first Grandchild. It makes my heart happy that you were given to me and with each phone call when I hear that cute little voice say "hello mamaw" .... my heart sings! I love you baby girl :)

I Love My Son

Every two weeks I am privilege to drive south for and hour and a half to visit my son, Stewart. It's time well spent with my mother and on occasion with my youngest son Gabriel. We venture down with anticipation to see my son. After being searched and patted down we are allowed to enter into the world of the incarcerated. It's not a pleasant progress watching my nearly 80 year old mother being searched as though she is the criminal, but it is all worth it when I look through the thick metal sliding door and see my son Stewart seated at a table, smiling from ear to ear. We approach his area and he is allowed to stand and hug us...then he is seated and can not stand until the visit is completed. We sit and chat, laugh and cry together. We even share a mint chocolate cappuccino together and maybe a bag of chips. The two hours we spend together seems to fly by faster than any other two hours of the week. When it's time to say goodbye the tears and hugs seem to pierce my heart even deeper because I know I won't have contact with him for another 2 weeks, only through written letters. Stewart is growing stronger and becoming a man, but as a mother I so wish he could have grown up in different circumstances....but I can't change any of that and will never give up loving my son. Stewart I am as proud as can be of you for taking responsibility for your actions and doing this without anger and hate. You are such a blessing to me and for that, I will ever be thankful for being allowed to be your mother. God...thanks for choosing me to love and care for Stewart as his mother...I am honored you choose me. And Stewart....thanks for paying for the picture we took together...it will forever stay on my night stand. Love you always and forever.... Mom :)

The End of Summer

I checked each day watching the tree behind my apartment as the apples fell from the tree. Then for almost three weeks one lone apple held on. I would check each morning and late afternoon before leaving for work, and it would still be there. I was so excited thinking it may stay connected all winter and give me hope that warmer weather would return. Then one afternoon it happened. I walked to the window. I searched everywhere and it was true, my ruby red apple was gone. It was emotional to think it wouldn't be there to greet me each day. I just stood there in silence. After it sunk in, I walked outside and there in the mulch was my apple of hope. I quickly picked it up to see if it was in perfect shape (as it appeared to me from the tree). As I inspected it closer, I could see the damage that had happened to the skin by the ants and bees. But it was still shiny and bright red. I placed it back on the ground and slowly walked away realizing all is not lost, in a few short months this tree will be covered with blooms with the promise of more fruit for me to watch, pick and enjoy.

My First Visit

Today was the day, my first prison visit. After my drive of an hour and twenty minutes, I turned into the New Castle Correctional Facility. I followed the signs and successfully found the building and parking lot. I locked my personal belongings into my car and walked slowly up the long sidewalk. It was silent as I walked. At the entrance door was a beautiful landscaped area and somewhat of a welcomed feeling. I entered the double doors and saw several people sitting, waiting and watching me. They seemed to look me over as I made my way to the front counter to enter my request to see my son. While I waited, a lady and her 7th grade son stood beside me waiting in her line to be checked in. Her paper work wasn't completed correctly and they had to tell her she couldn't make the visit today. She exploded with verbal expressions that were very tense. She tried to explain she had driven three hours but that didn't change the guard's mind. The young boy began yelling and saying horrible things and picked up the plastic bag of quarters that belonged to his mother and threw them at the guard, hitting her in the chest. He ran out yelling obscenities and threats to the guards. He pushed out the doors with such force they made an echoing noise in the room. He went for the landscape and pulled some of the flowers and threw them. Later he came in beating on the lockers and his mother attempted to calm him but with no success. They walked out the door, both of them exclaiming loudly of their anger. During the process, I was given the OK to see my son and I made my way for the chair in the corner. I sat as a nervous child watching it all take place. After the episode, the room was quiet for a short time and then an elderly lady spoke, "I'll bet he'll be back here someday". A small hush came over the room, but my heart was pounding and I was shaken. Then my name was called and I had to take off my shoes and belt. I was patted down and searched. I was asked to sit on a metal chair which scanned my being and then beeped. They checked my feet, my back and most of my body parts. I was stamped on the hand and given permission to enter the large, metal sliding door. I was contained for a few moments then asked to place my hands in the black light and then given the OK to enter. I waited what seemed a long time, and the door finally opened. There across the room, sat my son, Stewart. He had the biggest grin and the sweetest look on his face. I asked the guard if I could hug my son. She gave me permission. I moved as quickly as I could across this large visitation room and grabbed my son and we hugged for a very long time. Tears filled our eyes and I placed my hands on his checks and asked, "You OK?" He smiled that enormous smile as only Stewart can give and said, "Yes, Mom, I'm OK!" I sat near him and held his hand. We chatted only a couple of minutes and a guard came to me and explained I had to sit across from him and not beside him. I moved without hesitation but held on to his hand. It had been 12 weeks since I last saw my son. His color was good and he looked so sweet. They all dress in khaki pants and tan shirts which was a much better color on him than the local orange jail outfits. We chatted nearly an hour that seemed like minutes. We enjoyed a great cup of mint chocolate cappuccino together. We laughed and cried together and planned on the next time I could talk to him on the phone and my next visit. Then I was asked to leave. My time was up. The walk away from my son, was as painful as when I drove him to the jail in May of 2008. I walked into the room to have my hands checked again and I blew my son a kiss and smiled with tears running down my check and there sat my son, waving at me with a smile and a broken heart. I am counting the hours until I can visit again. I love you Stewart and I am so very proud of how you have grown up. We both have made some life altering mistakes, but we are both still good people. And for that my son, I will always love you. Forever and Always.... Mom :)