The End of Summer

I checked each day watching the tree behind my apartment as the apples fell from the tree. Then for almost three weeks one lone apple held on. I would check each morning and late afternoon before leaving for work, and it would still be there. I was so excited thinking it may stay connected all winter and give me hope that warmer weather would return. Then one afternoon it happened. I walked to the window. I searched everywhere and it was true, my ruby red apple was gone. It was emotional to think it wouldn't be there to greet me each day. I just stood there in silence. After it sunk in, I walked outside and there in the mulch was my apple of hope. I quickly picked it up to see if it was in perfect shape (as it appeared to me from the tree). As I inspected it closer, I could see the damage that had happened to the skin by the ants and bees. But it was still shiny and bright red. I placed it back on the ground and slowly walked away realizing all is not lost, in a few short months this tree will be covered with blooms with the promise of more fruit for me to watch, pick and enjoy.

My First Visit

Today was the day, my first prison visit. After my drive of an hour and twenty minutes, I turned into the New Castle Correctional Facility. I followed the signs and successfully found the building and parking lot. I locked my personal belongings into my car and walked slowly up the long sidewalk. It was silent as I walked. At the entrance door was a beautiful landscaped area and somewhat of a welcomed feeling. I entered the double doors and saw several people sitting, waiting and watching me. They seemed to look me over as I made my way to the front counter to enter my request to see my son. While I waited, a lady and her 7th grade son stood beside me waiting in her line to be checked in. Her paper work wasn't completed correctly and they had to tell her she couldn't make the visit today. She exploded with verbal expressions that were very tense. She tried to explain she had driven three hours but that didn't change the guard's mind. The young boy began yelling and saying horrible things and picked up the plastic bag of quarters that belonged to his mother and threw them at the guard, hitting her in the chest. He ran out yelling obscenities and threats to the guards. He pushed out the doors with such force they made an echoing noise in the room. He went for the landscape and pulled some of the flowers and threw them. Later he came in beating on the lockers and his mother attempted to calm him but with no success. They walked out the door, both of them exclaiming loudly of their anger. During the process, I was given the OK to see my son and I made my way for the chair in the corner. I sat as a nervous child watching it all take place. After the episode, the room was quiet for a short time and then an elderly lady spoke, "I'll bet he'll be back here someday". A small hush came over the room, but my heart was pounding and I was shaken. Then my name was called and I had to take off my shoes and belt. I was patted down and searched. I was asked to sit on a metal chair which scanned my being and then beeped. They checked my feet, my back and most of my body parts. I was stamped on the hand and given permission to enter the large, metal sliding door. I was contained for a few moments then asked to place my hands in the black light and then given the OK to enter. I waited what seemed a long time, and the door finally opened. There across the room, sat my son, Stewart. He had the biggest grin and the sweetest look on his face. I asked the guard if I could hug my son. She gave me permission. I moved as quickly as I could across this large visitation room and grabbed my son and we hugged for a very long time. Tears filled our eyes and I placed my hands on his checks and asked, "You OK?" He smiled that enormous smile as only Stewart can give and said, "Yes, Mom, I'm OK!" I sat near him and held his hand. We chatted only a couple of minutes and a guard came to me and explained I had to sit across from him and not beside him. I moved without hesitation but held on to his hand. It had been 12 weeks since I last saw my son. His color was good and he looked so sweet. They all dress in khaki pants and tan shirts which was a much better color on him than the local orange jail outfits. We chatted nearly an hour that seemed like minutes. We enjoyed a great cup of mint chocolate cappuccino together. We laughed and cried together and planned on the next time I could talk to him on the phone and my next visit. Then I was asked to leave. My time was up. The walk away from my son, was as painful as when I drove him to the jail in May of 2008. I walked into the room to have my hands checked again and I blew my son a kiss and smiled with tears running down my check and there sat my son, waving at me with a smile and a broken heart. I am counting the hours until I can visit again. I love you Stewart and I am so very proud of how you have grown up. We both have made some life altering mistakes, but we are both still good people. And for that my son, I will always love you. Forever and Always.... Mom :)

The Tree Climber

Once upon a time in a far away backyard, a little girl found an apple tree and began picking up all the apples on the ground for herself and to share with her family. Her father came along and asked her what she was doing. She replied gathering apples for eating, father. Her father thought a moment and asked her which apples she thought would be better tasting, those on the ground or those left in the tree? She pondered a moment and said maybe they are the same. Her father asked her to pick up a few more apples from the ground. She did and began looking closely at each apple. They were bruised, soft and very mushy. Some had dark spots and many were covered with bees. She stepped back and looked at the apples far up in the tree. Those left in the tree were a shiny, deep red and at once she wanted those apples. Her father asked what made the difference. I want the pure unblemished ones. Her father smiled a contented smile and said that is right my sweetness. And in life, please only wait on the man that will be willing to climb to the top of the tree to possess the best possible fruit of the tree, and that will be you. Keep yourself only available for the one who will take the time to climb and risk it all for you. Never settle for someone that doesn't care which apple he gets, because he will be the one to leave you bruised and unwanted on the ground. Keep yourself only for a true "Tree Climber".

My Window

Everyone needs a place to escape, this is my place. And James Taylor says it all so well in his song, "Up On the Roof"....
"When this old world starts a getting me down
And people are just too much for me to face
I'll climb way up to the top of the stairs
And all my cares just drift right into space
On the roof, it's peaceful as can be
And there the world below don't bother me, no, no
So when I come home feeling tired and beat
I'll go up where the air is fresh and sweet
I'll get far away from the hustling crowd
And all the rat-race noise down in the street
On the roof, that's the only place I know..."

Time is Relevant

Time isn't measured in minutes or hours, it's measured in pain/hardship/endurance or happiness/bliss. If you ask someone that is struggling with heartache about the length of their passing of time and it is perceived as to go on forever. A painful or complicated pregnancy can seem to last years instead of months. Time separated from a loved one can take on characteristics of eternity. But time spent with a dear friend or cherished loved one can pass as a blink. So time isn't really real at all. It is just a point of view....

Rock On

That's right Maddie...."Rock On"....you are going to be a big sister!! How exciting it's going to be for you to have a brother or sister (I know you want a sister) to teach and have fun with. The days you will spend laughing and playing together will be part of your life from here on out. You will make a wonderful big sister because you love to laugh and you love deeply from your heart. Grandma is so very proud of you Madison, but please talk mom and dad to moving back the the states soon, Japan is just to far for any grandma and granddaughter to be apart. I love you Maddie!

Empty Inside

This picture isn't too clear, but can you see the green on the outer edges of this evergreen tree? The inner parts of the tree are bare and lacking any growth at all. For a big part of my life this tree reflects what my life has been like. My outside areas that most people see has been covered with green growth of life and all appeared as OK. My inside was empty and painful with doubts and fears that overtook my life. It wasn't always like that, but for a large part it has been. Fear of failure and pains of being insecure and just never sure what was expected of me. But in recent years, I am slowly taking steps to help the growth inside of myself to begin. I attended classes and earned my associates degree in business. I have taken time to talk with a trained counselor who has helped me see myself in a healthier light. I took all my beliefs and teachings about God and slowly have sorted through most of them. I have had to sort through each one to realize which was truth from God and what was man made and not needed in my thinking. It's been a long and painful search, but in the end it will be worth it all. My goal is to be as healthy on the inside as I appear to be on the outside.