My Real Live Angel

For most of my adult life I have collected angels....all kinds...figurines, candles, and jewelry....but now at my age I have my very first REAL live angel...Madison. I know it's a pixie outfit that I sent for Halloween, but when I look into those eyes and see that priceless, warm smile....I know it's an angel from heaven. Madison I'm so proud of you and am honored that you are my first Grandchild. It makes my heart happy that you were given to me and with each phone call when I hear that cute little voice say "hello mamaw" .... my heart sings! I love you baby girl :)

I Love My Son

Every two weeks I am privilege to drive south for and hour and a half to visit my son, Stewart. It's time well spent with my mother and on occasion with my youngest son Gabriel. We venture down with anticipation to see my son. After being searched and patted down we are allowed to enter into the world of the incarcerated. It's not a pleasant progress watching my nearly 80 year old mother being searched as though she is the criminal, but it is all worth it when I look through the thick metal sliding door and see my son Stewart seated at a table, smiling from ear to ear. We approach his area and he is allowed to stand and hug us...then he is seated and can not stand until the visit is completed. We sit and chat, laugh and cry together. We even share a mint chocolate cappuccino together and maybe a bag of chips. The two hours we spend together seems to fly by faster than any other two hours of the week. When it's time to say goodbye the tears and hugs seem to pierce my heart even deeper because I know I won't have contact with him for another 2 weeks, only through written letters. Stewart is growing stronger and becoming a man, but as a mother I so wish he could have grown up in different circumstances....but I can't change any of that and will never give up loving my son. Stewart I am as proud as can be of you for taking responsibility for your actions and doing this without anger and hate. You are such a blessing to me and for that, I will ever be thankful for being allowed to be your mother. God...thanks for choosing me to love and care for Stewart as his mother...I am honored you choose me. And Stewart....thanks for paying for the picture we took together...it will forever stay on my night stand. Love you always and forever.... Mom :)

The End of Summer

I checked each day watching the tree behind my apartment as the apples fell from the tree. Then for almost three weeks one lone apple held on. I would check each morning and late afternoon before leaving for work, and it would still be there. I was so excited thinking it may stay connected all winter and give me hope that warmer weather would return. Then one afternoon it happened. I walked to the window. I searched everywhere and it was true, my ruby red apple was gone. It was emotional to think it wouldn't be there to greet me each day. I just stood there in silence. After it sunk in, I walked outside and there in the mulch was my apple of hope. I quickly picked it up to see if it was in perfect shape (as it appeared to me from the tree). As I inspected it closer, I could see the damage that had happened to the skin by the ants and bees. But it was still shiny and bright red. I placed it back on the ground and slowly walked away realizing all is not lost, in a few short months this tree will be covered with blooms with the promise of more fruit for me to watch, pick and enjoy.

My First Visit

Today was the day, my first prison visit. After my drive of an hour and twenty minutes, I turned into the New Castle Correctional Facility. I followed the signs and successfully found the building and parking lot. I locked my personal belongings into my car and walked slowly up the long sidewalk. It was silent as I walked. At the entrance door was a beautiful landscaped area and somewhat of a welcomed feeling. I entered the double doors and saw several people sitting, waiting and watching me. They seemed to look me over as I made my way to the front counter to enter my request to see my son. While I waited, a lady and her 7th grade son stood beside me waiting in her line to be checked in. Her paper work wasn't completed correctly and they had to tell her she couldn't make the visit today. She exploded with verbal expressions that were very tense. She tried to explain she had driven three hours but that didn't change the guard's mind. The young boy began yelling and saying horrible things and picked up the plastic bag of quarters that belonged to his mother and threw them at the guard, hitting her in the chest. He ran out yelling obscenities and threats to the guards. He pushed out the doors with such force they made an echoing noise in the room. He went for the landscape and pulled some of the flowers and threw them. Later he came in beating on the lockers and his mother attempted to calm him but with no success. They walked out the door, both of them exclaiming loudly of their anger. During the process, I was given the OK to see my son and I made my way for the chair in the corner. I sat as a nervous child watching it all take place. After the episode, the room was quiet for a short time and then an elderly lady spoke, "I'll bet he'll be back here someday". A small hush came over the room, but my heart was pounding and I was shaken. Then my name was called and I had to take off my shoes and belt. I was patted down and searched. I was asked to sit on a metal chair which scanned my being and then beeped. They checked my feet, my back and most of my body parts. I was stamped on the hand and given permission to enter the large, metal sliding door. I was contained for a few moments then asked to place my hands in the black light and then given the OK to enter. I waited what seemed a long time, and the door finally opened. There across the room, sat my son, Stewart. He had the biggest grin and the sweetest look on his face. I asked the guard if I could hug my son. She gave me permission. I moved as quickly as I could across this large visitation room and grabbed my son and we hugged for a very long time. Tears filled our eyes and I placed my hands on his checks and asked, "You OK?" He smiled that enormous smile as only Stewart can give and said, "Yes, Mom, I'm OK!" I sat near him and held his hand. We chatted only a couple of minutes and a guard came to me and explained I had to sit across from him and not beside him. I moved without hesitation but held on to his hand. It had been 12 weeks since I last saw my son. His color was good and he looked so sweet. They all dress in khaki pants and tan shirts which was a much better color on him than the local orange jail outfits. We chatted nearly an hour that seemed like minutes. We enjoyed a great cup of mint chocolate cappuccino together. We laughed and cried together and planned on the next time I could talk to him on the phone and my next visit. Then I was asked to leave. My time was up. The walk away from my son, was as painful as when I drove him to the jail in May of 2008. I walked into the room to have my hands checked again and I blew my son a kiss and smiled with tears running down my check and there sat my son, waving at me with a smile and a broken heart. I am counting the hours until I can visit again. I love you Stewart and I am so very proud of how you have grown up. We both have made some life altering mistakes, but we are both still good people. And for that my son, I will always love you. Forever and Always.... Mom :)

The Tree Climber

Once upon a time in a far away backyard, a little girl found an apple tree and began picking up all the apples on the ground for herself and to share with her family. Her father came along and asked her what she was doing. She replied gathering apples for eating, father. Her father thought a moment and asked her which apples she thought would be better tasting, those on the ground or those left in the tree? She pondered a moment and said maybe they are the same. Her father asked her to pick up a few more apples from the ground. She did and began looking closely at each apple. They were bruised, soft and very mushy. Some had dark spots and many were covered with bees. She stepped back and looked at the apples far up in the tree. Those left in the tree were a shiny, deep red and at once she wanted those apples. Her father asked what made the difference. I want the pure unblemished ones. Her father smiled a contented smile and said that is right my sweetness. And in life, please only wait on the man that will be willing to climb to the top of the tree to possess the best possible fruit of the tree, and that will be you. Keep yourself only available for the one who will take the time to climb and risk it all for you. Never settle for someone that doesn't care which apple he gets, because he will be the one to leave you bruised and unwanted on the ground. Keep yourself only for a true "Tree Climber".

My Window

Everyone needs a place to escape, this is my place. And James Taylor says it all so well in his song, "Up On the Roof"....
"When this old world starts a getting me down
And people are just too much for me to face
I'll climb way up to the top of the stairs
And all my cares just drift right into space
On the roof, it's peaceful as can be
And there the world below don't bother me, no, no
So when I come home feeling tired and beat
I'll go up where the air is fresh and sweet
I'll get far away from the hustling crowd
And all the rat-race noise down in the street
On the roof, that's the only place I know..."

Time is Relevant

Time isn't measured in minutes or hours, it's measured in pain/hardship/endurance or happiness/bliss. If you ask someone that is struggling with heartache about the length of their passing of time and it is perceived as to go on forever. A painful or complicated pregnancy can seem to last years instead of months. Time separated from a loved one can take on characteristics of eternity. But time spent with a dear friend or cherished loved one can pass as a blink. So time isn't really real at all. It is just a point of view....

Rock On

That's right Maddie...."Rock On"....you are going to be a big sister!! How exciting it's going to be for you to have a brother or sister (I know you want a sister) to teach and have fun with. The days you will spend laughing and playing together will be part of your life from here on out. You will make a wonderful big sister because you love to laugh and you love deeply from your heart. Grandma is so very proud of you Madison, but please talk mom and dad to moving back the the states soon, Japan is just to far for any grandma and granddaughter to be apart. I love you Maddie!

Empty Inside

This picture isn't too clear, but can you see the green on the outer edges of this evergreen tree? The inner parts of the tree are bare and lacking any growth at all. For a big part of my life this tree reflects what my life has been like. My outside areas that most people see has been covered with green growth of life and all appeared as OK. My inside was empty and painful with doubts and fears that overtook my life. It wasn't always like that, but for a large part it has been. Fear of failure and pains of being insecure and just never sure what was expected of me. But in recent years, I am slowly taking steps to help the growth inside of myself to begin. I attended classes and earned my associates degree in business. I have taken time to talk with a trained counselor who has helped me see myself in a healthier light. I took all my beliefs and teachings about God and slowly have sorted through most of them. I have had to sort through each one to realize which was truth from God and what was man made and not needed in my thinking. It's been a long and painful search, but in the end it will be worth it all. My goal is to be as healthy on the inside as I appear to be on the outside.

Sunday Morning

What a sad and lonely sound.  I hear the church bells in the distance signaling the beginning of services for several churches in the area.  It saddens me to think I spent all of my life attending services every Sunday morning.  But today life is so different.  I haven't been to church regularly for nearly four years, it's just so painful.  Church life just doesn't make sense for me now, and I'm working so hard inwardly to make it make sense.  My relationship with Christ is still intact, but my belief in church was seriously damages a few years back and it's going to take time for that to heal.  I won't give up hope that someday I can go back and worship, but just not today.

My Dad

My dad is 79 years old and has finally found the one job that he enjoys with all his heart.  As a young man he began working for the Bluffton Police Dept. at the age of 19 and after physical problems retired and has done light side jobs to occupy his time.  He's been a "bouncer" for a bank, he's served many years as a city councilman for Bluffton and now is doing the downtown clean-up with the help of the "men in orange".  In my father's past he has arrested and put many people in jail, now he has the honor of taking them out of their cells a couple of times each week.  He walks with them and talks of his old police stories and gets to know these men that have made some bad choices in their lives.  He tells them often of his own grandson that was sentenced to 10 years in prison. In some small way, I think the love my father feels for this job is a small gift he is trying to give to these men to show his grandson how much he loves him and is so very proud of him.  Many of these men have bonded with my father and some have moved away and made trips back to my parent's home to thank him and spend time together talking of plans to improve their lives.   Thanks Dad for giving of yourself to these men, you are making a difference.  

Daddy's Home from Iraq

Today, well yesterday in Japan my daughter and granddaughter got to see daddy and hubby for the first time in 6 months. What great excitement to know a family is back together. My granddaughter, Madison kept telling people...daddy coming home, I excited....My daughter is a strong woman and has made it through 4 different deployments and continues to be a great mother and wife through it all. Maddie misses her daddy and is always glad to see him. She is an angel. To my daughter's family...best wishes for a great reuion....truly hope this is the last trip to the war area, and I'm selfishly praying for you all to be back in the states very soon....grandma loves road trips and hopes to visit soon....I love you guys....

School Days

I never recall starting school as a child before the first of September after the Labor Day Holiday. My children have been involved in school since the mid-eighties and summer break has slowly been shortened over the years. My youngest son just started his senior year on August 13th this year. I ponder how soon it will be that children will be attending all year long and not able to enjoy traditional summer break. But my biggest question is this, how does nature know when school starts? I mean in my head summer should and will always be until the end of August, but today on my walk, I looked up and saw a tree with it's leaves already turned to a bright fallish yellow. How can this be? How does nature know the children started school last week and it's time now for fall? I guess I am just hoping the other trees don't catch on and they stay green for a very long time. Long live summer!

My Ship

“If my ship sails from sight, it doesn't mean my journey ends, it simply means the river bends.”
John Enoch Powell

In Honor of my Son Stewart

Stewart, recognize this plant? Yes, it's the dreaded "ragweed" a few minutes around this plant and you would become deathly sick, missing days of school. But today as I was walking the River Green Way I saw lots of ragweed along the way, but this one sort of just jumped and caught my eye. I stood for the longest time and just smiled. Can you see this plant, one that is so bad for you and can make so much pain in your life has a flower vined up and attached to it. Yes, even when we are in the midst of pain and horrible 'stuff' there is always beauty to be found. Today, Stewart please remember that for the many days to come while you are away, despite the pain and anguish there is beauty among the pain. Promise me you will keep looking for beauty. I love you my son, Mom :)

You Will Be Missed

I only knew you a very short time, but you became part of my life. I will miss you, Beckit....

Looking at Life Backwards

I think I finally got it, but I won't guarantee I won't have to re-learn it again in the near future. I'm looking at life backwards, watching it all happen from where I've come from. I take my experiences and those actions have a great influence on how I live out my future days. I think I know how something happens becaused of how another situation might have worked out before in life. I'm watching it all happen as though I'm watching life playout in my car's rearview mirror. I see cars approaching me in the mirror and fail to see the warning that is posted "objects in mirror may seem closer than they apprear"......so reaction times may differ if I would just look at life that is coming towards me and not see what has passed in my life. So today, I want to make sure I start looking ahead, with the memories of where I've been, but take steps boldly to lead myself and not the memories of others take me where they think would be best.

Road Trip

It's so good to get away from familiar surroundings, to go somewhere that no one knows your name. I had time away this weekend and I could dress as I wanted, sleep as long as I wanted I even could eat when the mood hit. I loved the feeling of walking down the street in a large city and know I won't recognize another person there. I don't wear anything differently than I do when I'm at home, it's just the idea that I am free to wear any and all my outfits without ever having the thought go through my mind,"hum, wonder what they think". Wow, what a freeing thought....to go and do as I please and not worry about what anyone thinks, except me.... I had time to sit and sip coffee and think about my life and where it is going, to think and worry about my kids and offer up a prayer for them to find just what they need to get through this journey called life. Then to drift off to sleep with a distant train rumbling in the background sounds of a large hotel. Peaceful....and refreshing :)

Double Blessing Day

Today was so exciting......two great surprises, pictures from my girls in Japan and a letter from Stewart from prison. My girls are doing OK and surviving the typhoon soon to be passing through their area. The letter from Stewart also stated I could email him there. I was SO excited. They charge .40 per email, but it's still cheaper than regular mail and it takes only a couple of days for it to get through. If anyone is interested, let me know and I will pass on the address.....What a wonderful day... :)

Yankee's at Chicago

Wow...is about all I can say...what an experience to be among so many baseball fans. I attended the Yankee/White Sox game in Chicago yesterday....you could just feel the excitement in the air....maybe it was because my friend and I seemed to be the only ones wearing a Yankee's hat. Oh we would spot a few fellow Yankee fans, but there was a definite dominance of White Sox fans EVERYWHERE. Even at the tailgate party we had at the beginning...all White Sox fans. But they were really polite and we had lots of fun letting them continually rub in the loss the Yankees experienced yesterday....14-4. The weather was near perfect....lots of clouds, a bit of sun and then a few sprinkles.... Our seats were directly under the STANLEY sign and 5 rows up....it was amazing.....

He loves me...He loves me not

Thanks God for loving me no matter what....it means so much.....

A Summer Snowflake

Always hope......

While riding my bike today, I followed this butterfly along the river. It seemed to just sit and pose for me. I kept getting closer with each picture and then after the perfect shot, it flew off across the river. I stood for a moment and thought that just a few short months ago that beautiful monarch butterfly was a creepy crawly caterpillar. But the next step of it's life is one that has always amazed me....the caterpillar is amazing to watch with all it's crazy legs...but when it goes into it's stage of a larva, it appears useless and pretty much just ugly. Then it begins it fight and struggle and eventually appears as this gorgeous winged butterfly. Maybe I should be learning today that life can somewhat be like this...babies and children are amazing and always expanding their thoughts and actions by learning...and then comes adulthood....hard to understand, some days nearly impossible to make sense of life. Younger people look at older people as having lost something in life and some may have, but after the anguish of old age and the pains of life....then comes the beauty....life beyond here....as I believe.....Heaven.

Fall Already?

Today I heard it, the noise my Grandmother use to tell me meant cold weather in six weeks. It was the sound of the locus. The sound is so refreshing and depressing at the same time. Early in the morning it seems to be calling for a quick start to get my day started...but in the evening it's a lonely sound of approaching cooler weather. As a child, the sound use to make me sad because it meant the start of a new school year. School days were painful for me because of my overwhelming shyness. But as I grew older and time seemed to make more sense to me, I started realizing that six weeks from when I noticed the cry of the locus was usually the week of the Bluffton Street Fair. So it wasn't any magical spell this critters have on our weather, it's just the passing and a completion of time. So six weeks from today we will be planning our time for the fair, sitting at football games and wearing sweatshirts...but you know it could all change.....because I do live in Indiana. :)

Foundation

This picture stirs so much within me, and I can't seem to put my feelings into words....but I am going to try. These trees seem to go against all odds of survival. It is known that trees need to establish their roots deep in the ground to help them stand against all types of weather trauma. The thought that all the roots are exposed seems to make these trees open for abuse and possible extinction. But they are still standing tall and growing despite their open, exposed root system. They have remained in place without bending or falling even when they are exposed to the floods, winds and storms that show themselves often in the Indiana summer storm tracks. Maybe what I sense when I look at this picture it knowing that these trees are still being used and enjoyed despite they have gone against nature's set of rules. As it is in my life, I've made choices that have exposed some of my roots of my beliefs and understanding of life, and yet I can still be useful and produce many beautiful options even though I've gone against some of the most basic fundamental teachings of God. He still loves me and hasn't given up on me.....and even though some of my "roots" have been exposed to the public, he still continues to love and cherish me as His own.

Togetherness

Of all the pictures I took the other day on my bike ride, this is one of my favorites. It shows "community" or friendship. I love the fact that these cows all sit together, not some away from the group, giving looks of disdain, but together no matter what. They may not think the same things or understand any of it, they just stay together. It's what family and friends are suppose to do, be there for each other. Like today, my two sons will be visiting their brother with me at the jail...they both would rather be doing something else on this beautiful holiday weekend, but they understand the need for being there for each other during good times and bad. I have been blessed with four of the most wonderful children who have been through some really hard times, but we are there for each other no matter what, even if it means in a grassy field in the sunshine...we are together.

The River from a Pink Point of View!

It's the Fourth of July weekend which usually marks the 1/2 way point of summer. I'm not going to let this summer go by and not enjoy the outdoors. I found a favorite spot to do just that. I ride my bike down the river greenway to the what use to be called the "White Bridge". Never could figure that out as a kid, the bridge was green but everyone called it the white bridge. Now it's been replaced by a beautiful cement bridge that I can sit upon and view the river below. Last week I made my journey to the bridge and sat what seemed like for hours just watching the water dance under my feet. I was amazed by a few small bubbles that kept appearing along the edge of the water that meets with the muddy shore. My curiosity and imagination got the best of me and my mind began to dream of what the bubbles could have meant. Could it have been something buried below the shore hanging on to life? Was it some sort of monster growing just beneath the waters edge? Today I journeyed to the same spot but this time brought along my camera. When I climbed the bridge at the same spot as the other day, I noticed the water was much lower. I looked for the area that had produced the bubbles. When I found the place where I had seen bubbles appearing from under the water just days before, it was then I began to understand and make sense of the mystery that had stumped me earlier. Before my eyes I could see an old discarded rubber tire. It was still beneath the water's level, but was being used as an exercise arena for a few small fish. Like lights coming on in a dark room, I began to understand what had made the bubbles that had been such a puzzle before. This once usable old tire was the home of some sort of river fish...not the possible crime scene that I had invented in my mind days before. Mystery solved....I watch way too many crime scene stories on television.

my heart breaks

Tonight I got a phone call from my mom and Stewart had called ...he has hives and can't get any help....as a mom, I'm dying inside....not many pains hurt more than to have your child hurt and not be able to help or comfort them....I'm praying for you my son, trusting that you are resting well and feel God's comfort as if I was there myself to talk you to sleep....I love you Stewart....hang in there...we are going to make it through this together......

A Poem from Stewart.....

Sowing
The pain is so real it tears at my soul.
I feel the claws tear at my heart,
As my heart bleeds all the pain of my past.
I cry my eyes out
That she could still love me after
All the pain I caused her.
She never knew I was hurting so bad.
I cried out, and no one would listen,
She loves me after I hurt her, why?
How can she love me, I’m nothing….
Bleeding -Dying inside.
She said she loves me,
The one who gave me life!
The one who told me
“Son, I’ll never leave you”.
Her love took the claws out of my heart and the bleeding stopped.
She pulled out her needle of love and with every stitch
She sowed my heart back to love again.
The first stitch was her kiss,
The next – her laugh, her smile,
But the stitch that stopped the bleeding was
“I love you my son, no matter what you have done.”
Thank you Mom, for sewing my heart back to love again.

Stewart J. Smith 4/09